Edgewise

Play the SoTU drinking game

Christian Crumlish

Catch presents The State of the Union Drinking (& Other Stuff) Game:

1. Every time Bush says “freedom”: Take one very small sip of Wild Turkey (he said it 21 times during last year’s SOTU)
2. Every time Bush mentions Jack Abramoff, Duke Cunningham, Scooter Libby or Tom DeLay: Drink three bottles of Wild Turkey
3. Every time Bush mentions “democracy” and “Hamas” in the same sentence: Drive to the Wild Turkey distillery in Lawrenceburg, KY and consume the contents of three full oak barrels
4. Every time Bush says “culture of life”: Vomit in your mouth
5. Every time Bush says “sanctity of marriage”: Vomit in the lobby of a mega-church
6. Every time Bush mentions Iraq: Even though it’s not true, accuse the bartender of watering down the drinks and, if he doesn’t admit to it, ransack the bar, loot the liquor, and then make all of the patrons stain their right index fingers. When the cops show up to arrest you, just point to the fingers, tell the policemen they hate freedom, and question their patriotism.
7. Every time Bush mentions 9/11: Imagine he’s really saying “the gift that keeps on giving,” because, really, he is.
8. Every time Bush mentions Iran or Syria: Email seven pro-war bloggers the phone number of their local Army recruitment office.
9. Every time Bush promises to cut the deficit in half: Ask the bartender to make you an Absolut Bullshit
10. Every time Bush promises to make his tax cuts permanent: Tell the bartender you have no intention of paying your tab
11. Every time Bush mentions overhauling Social Security: Laugh and laugh and laugh
12. Every time the Republicans give Bush a standing ovation: Yell “United States of Omega House!”
13. Every time the Democrats give Bush a standing ovation: Drink until the pain goes away
14. Every time you see one of Dennis Hastert’s chins jiggles: Guzzle a can of Michelob Ultra
15. Every time they show Dick Cheney smirking: Take a quaalude (your TV will thank you)
16. Every time they show Sam Alito: If you’re a woman, say something soothing to your uterus. If you’re a man, say something soothing to the uterus of the woman closest to you.
17. If they show Alito’s wife crying: Pray for the future of America